


Not Just a Servant

by RealtaCuardach



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, But eventually friendshippy goodness, Episode Tag, Forgiveness, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Knights making it up to him, Lamia, Merlin getting hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-09
Updated: 2013-02-09
Packaged: 2017-11-28 18:00:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/677259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RealtaCuardach/pseuds/RealtaCuardach
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The knights have no idea what happened during the Lamia's enchantment - but they know it must be something terrible. They know because of the words Merlin isn't saying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Just a Servant

Everything had been a blur for the past few days, and when the knights finally came to consciousness and awareness in the village, they had no memories of what had happened, only various aches and pains and Gaius telling them that they'd been enchanted. He hadn't been much more clear on what had happened, only that it had been brought on by the young girl they'd found in the forest and that only Gwen and Merlin were totally aware of what had happened.

"If you want to know," the physician continued, "you'll have to ask them."

And that was when they realized something really bad had happened.

Gwen had been, under Arthur's strict orders, been given time alone to rest and recover from what had happened. The only one who might have been able to make it past that edict was Elyan, and he was still too exhausted to even rise from his bed to ask her. As for Merlin, he had been too busy assisting Gaius with the sick men at the village to spend much spare time chatting. So far, he'd only spoken to Arthur, Gwen, and Gaius, and had only perfunctory comments and questions for the knights. That was what was wrong.

Merlin always had a kind word and a ready smile for anyone. His humor could light up moments when things looked most bleak and difficult. It was strange that he'd so far withheld himself from talking with the knights. It almost felt like he was…avoiding them.

Percival, ironically, was the first to take a crack at trying to talk with Merlin. He'd been lying half awake on the bed while Merlin was alternating between stirring some of Gaius' medicine and tending to a patient, adjusting the man's cold compress and making sure he was comfortable. "Merlin?" He whispered.

If he hadn't known better, he would have thought that Merlin had stiffened slightly with some emotion before turning to face him. "Yes?"

"Is everyone…going to be okay?"

Merlin nodded solemnly. "They will, yourself included. But you need rest."

Percival forced himself into a sitting position, to better see Merlin's face in the flickering candlelight. "Merlin…what happened exactly? What happened when we were enchanted?"

"Oh, you know, nothing big." Merlin shrugged, grinning although the expression seemed forced. "You and the other knights just got a big hit of some enchantment. But you're all better now." He stood up, and turned towards the door of the hut. "But you won't be for long if you don't get some rest. I need to go see Gaius."

"Merlin?"

Merlin nodded at him formally. "Sir Percival." And then he left.

Percival blinked confusedly at the door swinging back and forth behind Merlin. His friend had never been so formal with him – and he'd never addressed him by his title like he was inferior.

"Percival?" A tired but equally concerned voice asked from behind him, and Percival shifted around to see Elyan struggling to sit up, staring with confusion after the swinging door. "Did I miss something? Is something wrong with Merlin?"

The knight looked out through the window to see Merlin's silhouette move throughout the village streets towards the lit house where they knew Gaius was staying. The posture seemed overly erect, like he was forcing himself to remain upright and straight-backed. "I don't know."

After Percival's question, none of the knights had seen Merlin in the hut where they were healing, mostly due to Merlin now having to run after Arthur while helping Gaius with the villagers' treatment. But even when Arthur came in to check on them, Merlin wasn't tagging along. He was either helping Gaius or with Gwen, either teasing her about how much Arthur was _impressed_ by her fighting skills or helping her to overcome her own nightmares about the experience. When they asked, Arthur didn't have a particularly good explanation himself.

"He's been a bit subdued, Merlin," Arthur said when Elyan had managed to sit up and asked him where their friend was, "blathers less and thinks more. He can be a nuisance with all that chatter, but it's almost more annoying when he's quiet. Ah well," he shrugged, "he could have been affected by the enchantment too, I suppose. Just less than what you experienced." His tone was as it usually was with Merlin, teasing and dismissive, but the look in his eyes concerned all the knights who sat up. Arthur was worried about Merlin too.

Leon was the next to notice that something was wrong. Once all the knights had been able to stand and walk about without a great deal of pain, Arthur announced that they were returning to Camelot. The villagers had been cured, the knights were back to themselves, and there was nothing more to be done there. Merlin was there before the knights arrived, tacking up their horses after tending to Arthur's, and was giving Leon's horse a drink of water when the knight walked up.

"Hello, Merlin," the knight grinned and greeted the younger man congenially.

"Good morning," Merlin responded as he put down the water bucket he'd been using and turned to face Leon. "Slept well?"

"Never better," Leon said, stretching slightly, "I'm just ready to go back to Camelot."

Merlin smiled, "I can understand that."

Leon reached out a hand to stroke his horse's mane, and noticed that one of the horse's buckles had not been fastened completely. He clicked his tongue reprovingly but in a friendly manner and reached up to buckle it. "You've got to watch this, Merlin. What if that were Arthur's –"

In a flash, Merlin had reached up to the buckle himself and fastened it. "I'm sorry, Sir Leon. I'll do better next time."

Leon stared at him. "No harm done, Merlin. I just wanted to give you a heads-up."

"Sorry," Merlin returned to his not-a-smile, "I guess I'm not much of a horseman. I'm just a servant, don't spend enough time with horses."

Leon was taken aback. _Just a servant?_ "Merlin, it was just a simple mistake."

"And one I'll try not to make again," Merlin nodded. "You'd best get ready, I think we'll be leaving soon." He began walking towards Arthur's horse to check the saddle and straps, but Leon's call made him stop in his tracks.

"Merlin!" The younger man turned around. "Is anything wrong?"

Merlin flashed him a bright smile, but that only served to show how dim his eyes were in comparison. "Course not."

"Merlin…"

"We'd best be off," Merlin said distractedly as he walked forward to meet Arthur, who was escorting Gwen with great care to her horse. Leon stared after him.

Gwaine had sensed something off in Merlin from the moment he'd regained awareness, but hadn't been able to do much about it. Once they were back in Camelot, he was finally able to try and pull Merlin aside for a night of drinking, hopefully to find out what was wrong and snap Merlin out of it.

It wasn't working.

"Come on, mate," Gwaine bellowed, slapping Merlin heartily on the back, "I hear the Hog's Head has some specially good offerings tonight." He leaned forward to waggle his eyebrows. "And I'm not just talking about the mead."

He'd expected Merlin to roll his eyes and laugh good-naturedly at his lecherous behavior that spoke a lot but never seemed to yield as many results as he thought he would. He did not expect Merlin to look up from his sweeping of Gaius' chambers and shake his head. "Sorry, I can't go tonight. I've got to clean out the leech tank after this, and that's not even counting what Arthur's going to want me to do anyway. Besides," he bent his head downward and continued sweeping. "You know me. I get drunk off the smell of a barmaid's apron."

Gwaine's eyebrows furrowed as he looked down at his friend, trying to get him to look him in the eye. "That never stopped you before." He barked out a laugh. "'Sides, the princess seems to think that you live in the tavern from what I've heard him say." He grinned. "Haven't been holding out on me, have you, friend?"

Merlin seemingly chose to ignore the question. "All the more reason for me _not_ to leave, Gwaine. Last thing I need is for the king to fire me for spending too much time there."

And Gwaine's suspicions of something being wrong were proved completely right in his head. He knew just as well as anyone in the castle, or Camelot for that matter, that Arthur would never fire Merlin. For all his complaining and ordering about, they knew that he trusted Merlin and his opinions more than anyone else's. "Is everything all right, Merlin?"

Merlin grinned. "Yeah. You go on ahead," he gestured towards the door, "go get some of the other knights and have fun. No need to have me drag you all down." The tone was joking, but there was something about it that seemed off.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Go on, I'll see you later."

Gwaine did only part of what Merlin had suggested. He managed to snag all of the other knights, but instead of going to the tavern, they retreated to the armory and talked.

"Something's wrong with Merlin," Gwaine stated. "But I don't know what."

"Neither do I," Elyan answered, "Do you think what the villager said to him upset him at all?"

Leon shook his head. "No, I don't think so. He seemed okay, knew the man was just scared. He didn't even seem that upset when we had to go get Gaius, concerned but not upset."

Percival rested his chin on both of his hands. "So if he wasn't upset then…what happened?"

"Got it," Gwaine said, and the others turned to look at him, "Must have been something that happened when we were all enchanted. He was fine last I can remember before that." He looked at the others. "Any of you lot remember what happened? It's all still a blur for me."

"No," Leon answered as the others shook their heads. "I can't remember. I think only Gwen and Merlin know what fully happened." He looked at Elyan. "Has she said anything?"

Elyan shook his head. "Just that I was sick for most of the time. Nothing more." He frowned. "But it felt like she wasn't telling me everything."

"Let's go talk with her."

They found Gwen standing in an alcove near the king's chambers, talking with Arthur. Most of the time, her brother would have taken a few moments to tease her about the pleased blush that spread across her nose and cheeks, but the situation was too serious for that.

Arthur turned to look at them, his more affectionate expression fading into a mix of irritation at being interrupted and concern about any potential threats they could coming to report to him. "What is it? Is everything all right?"

"Not exactly, sire," Leon answered as Elyan drew closer to his sister.

"Gwen, what happened?"

She looked confused. "What do you mean?"

"What happened when we were enchanted?"

Gwen's eyes swept to the floor. "You just…weren't yourselves for a bit. That's all." She regained her composure and looked up at them. "Why don't you ask Merlin?"

"He just says that we were enchanted. We haven't been able to ask him more than that. It's like he's been avoiding us." Gwen's gasp of surprised pain was missed by none of them. Elyan reached out and grabbed her arm imploringly, "Please, Gwen-"

Gwen gave a more pained gasp, and reached for the spot on her arm that her brother had touched. Arthur's eyes flashed with anger at the pain as Elyan took an involuntary step backward. Elyan took her arm again, more gently this time. "Gwen, are you hurt?"

Her nonresponse was answer enough. Together, both Arthur and Elyan rolled up her sleeve to see the bruise she'd gotten when she'd fallen in the fight with the Lamia. Elyan's eyes widened as Gwen's dropped once more to the floor. "Gwen, please." He implored, but she continued to stare at the floor. "Please," he continued, "tell me that we didn't do that. Did we hurt you?"

She looked up at him, her eyes swimming with tears. "Not me."

~.~

Merlin was sitting up on one of the top turrets of the castle looking out into the lands surrounding Camelot. Gaius had forbidden him from doing any chores that evening after dinner, after seeing Merlin push his food around the plate for the third night in a row. He'd gone to pull back the bedclothes and prepare whatever else was needed for Arthur to go to bed whenever he returned, and then had found himself not knowing what to do. He was too tired to ride out into the forest or to visit the Lake of Avalon. He didn't particularly want to return to his bedroom, where Gaius would be sure to try and continue to find out what was troubling him. He was having a hard enough time trying to hide it from the knights, Arthur, and Gwen – Gaius would be nearly impossible to keep from telling him everything.

Looking out at Camelot often made him feel better – reminded him of the great destiny he was helping Arthur to achieve, of bringing the greatest kingdom the world would ever know to light. But tonight, it did nothing. It just made him doubt his ability to do so. _What's destiny thinking, anyway? How'm I supposed to help Arthur accomplish all that? I'm just a servant._

That's why Merlin couldn't be around the knights anymore. It wasn't their fault that they'd been enchanted, but their words and actions stung more than he'd thought possible. Despite all the great things Gaius and Kilgarrah said about what he was destined to do, sometimes he'd felt like they'd picked the wrong man. He had been a criminal since the moment he'd stepped into Camelot, the magic in his veins condemning him before he'd even taken his first breath. People still thought he was clumsy, he kept making stupid mistakes, and he always had the overwhelming threat of what would happen if someone discovered he had magic, if Arthur discovered he was magic. _I am just a servant,_ he bitterly reminded himself, _what do I deserve with such a destiny?_

He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn't sense the four approaching him from behind.

~.~

If the knights hadn't been fully occupied in being eaten alive with guilt, they might have found Arthur's expressions over the duration of Gwen's story amusing. He displayed a dull look of shock at the beginning of the story, a burning anger when he discovered what they'd been doing to Gwen and Merlin, a different brewing scowl when he heard what they'd done only to Merlin, a look of almost lovesick sympathy for his crying beloved, and then a look of pride when he'd heard what Gwen had been able to do. After having shown these emotions once, he continued switching between them for the duration of the story. Gwaine certainly would have had some fun with his liege's expression in future ale-fueled taunts, if he hadn't himself been alternating between staring in shock at Gwen and staring desolately at his shoes.

By the time Gwen had reached the end of her story, she was in tears and there was a suspicious wetness in the knights' eyes. Arthur tightened the arm that he had placed around Gwen's shoulders around the time she was recounting the first confrontation after they found Lamia, and also tightened his grip on his sword that was hanging in its scabbard by his side. No one could be sure whether he planned on using it or not.

"Why…" Gwaine started, and then swallowed at the dryness of his throat. "Why didn't he tell us that?"

"Surely he knows that we didn't mean any of those things we said or did." Leon said, troubled. "We would never…not in our right minds."

Elyan spoke up. "We weren't in our right minds! We were enchanted – does Merlin not know that?"

"He should," Percival said perplexedly, "He always knows when something magical or strange is happening, even when no one else does."

Gwen squeezed the hand on her shoulder appreciatively and then removed it so she could move closer to the knights. "He knows. He knew. But that doesn't mean that he doesn't think you were right."

The knights had already been looking around, as though Merlin would be in his customary place behind Arthur, but that made them even more anxious. "Where is he?" Gwaine asked.

Gwen sighed. "I don't know. He'd usually be helping Gaius or with Arthur right now – but the way he's been recently, Gaius has been trying to get him to rest and I don't think Merlin's up to that right now." Her eyes began tearing up. "I wish I knew."

Arthur, opting to release the sword in favor of using both arms to comfort Gwen, turned her gently around in order to escort her someplace quiet so she could recover from telling the emotionally trying tale. Just as he gently pushed into the hallway, he turned back to deliver some parting words to his hand-picked knights. "Try the east turret." He said plainly, and then his eyes narrowed in a mix of determination, brotherly concern, and anger. "Fix this."

And then he was gone.

~.~

Gwaine put his hand on Merlin's shoulder when the young man showed no sign of realizing the knights were behind him. "Merlin-"

Merlin just kept himself from bolting upwards in fear, having been conditioned over the trip with Lamia to expect that from touch, but he could not keep the hiss of pain from leaving his mouth.

Gwaine pulled back his hand as though it had been burned, and as Merlin turned around on his perch to face the knights, they saw a large bruise peeking out from underneath his collar and inwardly grimaced.

Merlin's eyes widened and he got up off his perch. "My lords," he said, nodding his head respectfully and keeping his gaze downward.

Those words coming from Merlin hurt. The way that he kept his eyes downcast and wasn't looking at them stung. But the fact that his voice was so meek and dead, and he was slowing inching backward killed them.

"Merlin…" Gwaine's voice was pleading now, "Stop it."

"What?" Merlin said, no trace of teasing or sarcasm in his voice. "Have I done something wrong?"

"No," Leon answered for Gwaine who was suddenly silent. "It's us that have done something wrong."

Merlin backed away a bit more quickly. "I don't know what you mean."

Elyan decided to take a different tack. "How did you get that bruise, Merlin?"

Merlin shifted the material of his shirt over the mark and looked to the side. "Ah, I fell off of my horse," he said in a near-perfect imitation of his usual joking tone. "I was just being a clumsy idiot, as usual."

"Has Gaius seen to it?"

Merlin shrugged, almost hiding the wince that accompanied the movement. "No need for him to waste the time. I'm no physician, but I can treat a bruise."

Leon felt a bitter taste in his mouth at those words, but he had no idea why.

"Actually," Merlin said, beginning to edge his way around the knights. "speaking of Gaius, I should probably get back to his chambers. He probably needs me to run –"

"Merlin," Leon said, "Gwen told us that Gaius hasn't been using you for errands for the past few days."

"Ah." Merlin stopped for a moment.

"Gwen told us _everything,_ Merlin." Leon continued and Merlin became more still.

"I see." Merlin nodded. "That's good, I guess. But it really wasn't your fault, you know that. Don't you?"

That was typical Merlin, making sure that others were all right before himself. However, it was also somewhat frustrating, as they were trying to make sure he was okay. This time at least, it shouldn't be the other way around.

"That doesn't change the fact that we hurt you, Merlin," Elyan said, stepping closer. "And that we want to do anything we can to make it right."

"If there is anything we can do," Percival continued. "We don't deserve your forgiveness, but we would like to try anyway."

Merlin shook his head. "There's nothing to forgive."

Gwaine burst out at that. "Of course there is – we bullied and hurt you, Merlin! We injured you – don't tell me that bruise was from falling off a horse!"

"Would it be better if I said it was from falling away from a Lamia?" Merlin said sheepishly, reaching up to scratch his head.

"Not really."

"Seriously, though, I'm fine." Merlin replied.

"Then why," Gwaine walked over and flopped an arm around Merlin's shoulder, being careful to avoid the bruise, "have you been avoiding us, mate?"

Merlin tried to ignore how good it felt to have the familiar, comforting arm around his shoulder, even as he had to struggle internally to not push the arm off. He knew that it wasn't their fault, what they had done to him, but it was hard to forget the hate in their eyes and the disdain in their actions. It had been hard to discard the hurtful things they had said because, even though he had heard them on occasion from nobles before, coming from his friends they had _hurt._

And as cowardly as avoiding them was, it still felt better than facing them and fearing that that hurt would come again.

"Just been keeping busy," Merlin said with levity, although none of his friends bought it.

Gwaine steered him back to where he had been sitting and made him sit back down, the other knights following him closely. "Been busy hanging around up here? Busy not eating? Busy abandoning to a night of alcohol alone?" Gwaine sniffed dramatically, resulting in a small but genuine smile from Merlin.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Gwaine became a touch more serious. "We're the ones who are sorry." The others came forward, murmuring in agreement. "You know we'd kill anyone who treated you like that."

That elicited a reproving grunt from Leon, and Gwaine and Merlin looked back at him. "Fine," Gwaine amended, grinning, "I'd kill them and the others here would just maim them. Still not going to stand for that sort of talk against you, mate."

Merlin shrugged. "Why? I'm just a servant."

The knights stared at him a moment before bursting out into laughter. They all came closer and helped the younger man stand up. "Ah, Merlin," Gwaine boomed, yanking his friend into a hug, which Merlin was too happy to wince at, "you're wrong." The other knights all came forward then, nodding and placing their hands on their friend's shoulders. Gwaine grinned in approval as Merlin's face began to finally relax as he laughed along with them.

"You're much more than that."

**Author's Note:**

> More episode tags. I take requests, :D
> 
> I wish they had covered this in the episode itself...but since they didn't, I covered it here! I hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
